i shouldn't post when this sleepy...

this rude, malicious lie of me having a sugar daddy is untrue. believe me, if i had someone willing to buy me shit, i would be shouting it from the rooftops. i'm too poor for shame.

lord. a lot has happened in the past few days, all of which i should blog about because it is mildly interesting. alas, i cannot remember now. the few things i have to mention of note.

this:

Bee skit @ (Nov 15 2008)
by thebeyoncenetwork

and just let me say how great this is. Paul Rudd steals the show. i will always love that man! this is what Alan and i refer to as 'the perfect Sunday.' God apparently makes Alan breakfast in bed. I get a cold snap and fabulous videos. in all honestly, Single Ladies is probably the best thing to come out in a while because it has spawned the best shit afterward.

to my few friends who won't leave me alone. i will not tell you my secret, stop asking. :D i can update you this much faithful readers, it is coming to fruition and i don't know if i want it to. we shall see. a few more days to fester... uh, progress, and i will make my big reveal.

i have found my love of graffiti on facebook again. next will be my love of paint. that sad love chart i made is woefully unrepresentative of my previous paint skills. or i should just get Photo Shop and be done with it. i will have to start my web comic soon, or i fear i will never start.

Also, i think i am finally motivated enough to kill my killer bust line. as fierce as these girls might be on any ho out there, i wish they did not love me so. thus, i am taking drastic measures to counteract them.. (so i guess the fried chicken and stuffing i had for dinner isn't a step in the right direction, but still.)
we're gonna see how this shit works out. that and my 1992 Cindy Crawford Shape Your Body video. yeah, i said video--not DVD. anyway, as of now, i weigh a disgusting 211. let's hope i can get back down to like 180 before Christmas time so the hateful fags in Atlanta won't burn me at the stake when i make my triumphant return...

PS- Alan's shit makes no sense. i know who did what over the last few days and his post is so... wtf?? haha. good try Alan. i've found that being sassy with made-up names works best with a reference chart..

video source: thebeyoncenetwork.com obviously...
picture: copyright © 2008 Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease

I Can't Find Cameras with My Eyes

Ugh, my night last night was a mess. I need to catch up on posting, so I thought I would type this little one and then type a big one at work tomorrow. Anyjoo, back to the topic. Roomie, friends, and I went to a big lez birthday party last night. I swear that lez is a cuter boy than me. We bought a handle of vodka and made our way. There was a cute German boy there, whose first words to me were that he "loved daniel to death, but daniel doesn't love him back." I responded with, "That's tragically cute. My name is Alan." Well, the night dissolved into my roomie and I playing "chug chug pass" until what was left of the handle was gone. We then played "circle of death". Of course, I did what I always do when I get incredibly drunk...I went to bed...wherever I wanted. Luckily, I fell asleep on one of those couch futon thingies. When they woke me up to leave, JS Jr. had to drive us home because roomie had a ton of absinthe and vodka and rum and gin. When we got home, he proceeded to fall out of the car onto his head. I went to bed and woke up to find a linoleum tile on my chest. My roomie had ripped one up out of the kitchen and placed it on me. He had also broken the handle off the fridge (again), thrown his phone, cut JS Jr. on the back of the leg, and made tuna salad which he didn't eat. It was a fun wake-up. Had to drive back to dick-hater to get Josh's wallet, take JS Jr. back to the Commons, take roomie to work, buy him fags and then get them to him at work, drive roomie's boy home, take Mary-Kate to his apartment so he could get some stuff, pick roomie back up from work. On top of that I cooked and cleaned and made some apple tea. God, I'm amazing.

Oh, look at that shiner of a zit that's starting to form next to my nose. Awesome, not even cover-boy can cover it. Oh, and my eyes were really green. I need to keep track of my eye colors. They change with mood and action. My mom uses them to tell when I'm lying or done something bad.

Because everyone needs a secret bonus!

I don't know what's wrong with me, but fatigue (only in French of course) seems to fit. I must be turning into a cute panda, though the three toed sloth is more likely.

For those of you who are deeply concerned about my life and eventual Peace Corps-ness, I talked to my recruiter today. I will have a phone interview, so no trip to Dallas. Thank you baby Jesus, that would have been hard to pull of. There's not a lot of transport here in the bayou outside of 'gator skis.

I am a lover of weird ass music, and apparently the calliope. Beirut is amazing. More amazing than amazing. Gulag Orkestar is by far the most mood setting music I have ever heard (whatever that means); not that I know what mood it is, but lord, does it ever set that mood. Everyone should run out, listen to it, and romp around Europe in their heads with me.

To conclude my random post of no focus, I am in the process of forcing Alan to blog more about his crazy life. Because last night alone was golden, and it was thrown together last minute. Not even a full-on halfway house fête, one of which is going on as I type these words.

Secret Bonus: I have been secretly naughty and refuse to tell anyone about the specifics of it. Yes, Alan, that includes you. Its not terribly secret and will probably get wrecked and make a mess as per usual, but nothing actually catastrophic this time. I just want to see where it goes. I'll be sure to blog the shit out of it then. /sigh. Good night my faithful following AKA my little brother..

Jakie-Poo and I Share the Same Fantasy

I was trolling the gossip blogs today during the on ice incubation of my Maxiprep (it's a procedure, not a period pad.) Anyjew, I was reading an interview with Jake Gyllenhaal and he had this to say:

"For all of the people who are massively interested out there, I've probably put on five pounds of muscle. [After the movie] I'm gonna get fat and I'm gonna be happy."

Wtf??? Jake and I have the same dream. Get fat and be happy. Phillp already beat me to half this equation, and now my lover is going to join him. Wait for me! I'm just a little muffin-topper right now, but bake me at 350 with 2 sticks of Paula Deen Grade Fat A butter and I promise I'll get Michael Moore huge. I'll be just like a souffle that never falls flat. I would still love pudgy Jakie-poo and would still let him top me for free. Here's a pic from the interview up above. And the one above that, for you people who didn't know, is the picture that I have (4' x 5') which I printed at the Digital Aquarium at G-State nearly 3 years ago to the tune of $20 (which my scholarship paid for...) I want to put it above my bed, but I'm afraid that my nightly customers might think I have a starcrush or something.

Oh, credit for the interview and pic
http://www.towleroad.com/2008/11/jake-gyllenhaal.html

It's impossible to humiliate Alan

And the post below this is why.. He left shame behind him years ago.

Regardless, I thought it would be funny to show you his current butt-love triangles:
I'm so sad the result is such a small image. Sadly, blowing it up does nothing good to it. Bust out the magnifying glass and enjoy. So basically, Alan has a lot of hott mess going on. We'll see in the northern/northwestern quadrant a lot of delusional never-gonna-happen love. Then there's the strained southwestern quadrant, where he flexes his foreign policy muscle. Oh endless puns there.. sorry! Then there's the tragic one truth, but I will leave that be. I don't want Alan's attack trannies finding me and putting a stiletto in my chest as I sleep. Or even worse, making a scene during my monthly sojourn out the house to WalMark.

And I have to say, bitch better keep his hands off my Kevin, I mean. Hi... :D And our cholita loving silver fox... well, I think every man has a stake in him, unless they are all weirdly attracted to people who aren't Anderson Coop.... oops.

PS- This is neglecting all of Alan's state senator and representative 'patrons.' And all those late night business ventures. But I don't have the patience in paint to begin to cover those. Also, that sexcellent picture was made by me, by hand, in paint. Yes, I HAVE gone blind...

My New Workout

Someone buy me some PVC pants and Carmen Electra Striptease. Holy fuck! I want to spin like that on a pole. Too bad I'm too much of a lazy Susan to spin and flex and lift and separate at the same time. This little gem of a video makes me think that I could not only be working the corner, I could be climbing the street posts and pussy poppin' too. In these economic hardships I need a new catch to attract more customers. Offering free "jalapeno poppers" with each romp isn't attracting the mens like it use to. A few nights working it like that at Swinging Richard's (figure out the pun, girls) and I'd have college and my Georgienne paid off. Plus the PVC pants. If you see me on the Martas greasing up one of the hand poles, you know what I be doing.

Obligatory

Today, everyone gets to read my obligatory "OMG!!!1! KEVIN PEREIRA is AMAZING and owns the interwebz post." Sorry but it had to happen. First, the eye candy:
Ok, so first off, I have to apologize you, dear media darling, for swiping this from the internet and not really knowing who to give credit to. Basically, it's all pretty and glossy, so I'm assuming its from a magazine spread or from your personal photos--you know for actory purposes. So credit goes to Kevin or whatever magazine/photographer who took this..

Second, not only is Kevin scorching hott, but his brain is at least as sexy! That man has a mind for wit and quip rivalled only by Alan and myself. Well, generally just Alan. I can hold my own from time to time though. Never have I heard a straight man use the word 'taint' so accurately and effectively. Though I have learned that internet nerds are never quite what they should be.

So, I have to plug Attack of the Show for its amazingness. Above and beyond even Kevin and Olivia, the show is just what I need to cope with my life here in the bayou. Don't worry Olivia, I love you too, and will feature you soon enough. Everyone watch Attack of the Show weeknights (LIVE!) at 6pm CT on G4! AMAZIN'!

Also, go check these two crazies blogs, which are sadly way more filled with awesomeness than this one is at the moment. Just give me a camera and let me vlog about WalMart bingo and I'll up the awesome ante on here in a hott second.

tl;dr: FUCK YES! It's Kevin Pereira! <3

kevinpereira.com
heyolivia.com

I'll be the First to Post this

I have to beat Phillip to a Web Comic Post. This is from cuddly-cyb.org
I love the name of the site. And I love the comics, because most of the time, they are nerdy.

Also, this comic might describe what my life may become. Find it here:
http://cuddly-cyb.org/comics/77.php

This is how my morning started! With this song! I've had the Dima Bilan album for a little while, but I haven't listened all the way through (because where I downloaded it from had all the names as junk...sometimes cyrillic and the internet don't get along) Anywho, I finally got all the correct titles placed on songs and started to listen and I'm in love. The song is called тоска (toska) and it means roughly "melancholy". It comes from his album против Правил (Protiv Pravil...aka Against the Rules) which, by the way, rocks. Give Toska a listen.

Too much G4

The city of Jennings no longer has my faith when it comes to providing me with crazy things like.. electricity. I forgot that America has an infrastructure problems when I lived in the suburbs, but I have been reminded. The power outage, which still has half the town lit up as brightly as the inside of Alan's cavernous manhole, killed my last post. Which is okay by me. I have something far more insane and interesting to talk about now.

My grandfather is totally insane. The man can't decide what he wants to be, a ranting republican or simply a ranting anarchist. He hates all of Washington, but saves special hate speech for Democrats. Barney Frank was just on C-SPAN1 talking, and my grandfather stated, with his voice of God pronouncement voice, that he should be run out of the Senate and that he is single-handedly responsible for financial crisis (you know, as a thing, not even just the American fall out). I hold my tongue in arguing that a terrible American culture of plastic and false superiority is responsibility, because I have learned it goes nowhere.

Then he attacked Rachel Maddow and "wished he was closer so he could kick people's asses when they lie." And "it's all fucking politics, they [Democrats] just lie." /sigh
I don't really know what to say. I just ignore him and go on with my online life.

To continue my political rant, I like Ron Paul. I don't agree with laissez-faire as the solution to everything, but as conservatives and libertarians go, he knows his platform well. I can trust Ron Paul to do what a Libertarian is supposed to. The sad, sad site ideas.rebuildtheparty.com has been cracking me up.

**let me interject here, last night, when I started this post for the third time, the Gods chose to thwart me. I lost power at about 9:30 pm CT and did not get power back until 1:30am CT. Makes me SO mad.**

Anyway, after my lack of posting, I'm sure Alan's internal pot of Columbian coffee is roiling at my neglect of this site. So I will stop here for now and think of new things to post, as I can no long follow my thoughts from last night.

I leave you with:



















The kings of Leon. Pretty amazing, Sex on Fire, is my jam.
But the entire CD is amazing.

(CD cover presumably ©2007 RCA Records, if not so sorry)

Our Phillip Likes to Write to the Editor

In case you needed proof that Phillip is a crotchety old man at heart, he did the modern version of letters to the editor today, by posting a comment on a blog.

The article is here:
http://www.queerty.com/scapegoats-lets-blame-the-mormons-20081110/

His comment is here:

"Wow. There is so much misinformation. I know that the religious groups can say and do as they please, within limits and still retain their tax exempt status. Acting as a PAC is not okay, this I know. A key point in this was brought up, if the Church simply "encourages" its members to donate, that's not the same as the Church cutting a big check and is most likely legal ok. Ethically, not so much, as it's just a side-step of the law.

As for poor Japhy: dude, do your thing. While I am fairly liberal, I like to see all people's points. And all the hate you've gotten just for bringing up things people don't want to face or process is terrible. I just sigh to myself knowing that so many pigheaded people can't be bothered with anything other than what they want to hear. You shouldn't even try try to lure people in with Morning Goods, though I know that readership is important to every online entity.

It's nice to have you, and I won't count you out yet! You're gonna have to try a lot harder to kick me in the teeth and gay bash my head a little harder to get me to quit reading. Basically, thanks for saying something new and hopefully we can all bring the community together and promote some thought and understanding."

And the most closeted man on the internet award goes to writer "Roymondo" You can look for his comments. Phillip and I g-chatted about him. Posted here:

me: who is this roymondo bastard?

Phillip: a crazy

hes like all the way through...

why is he even reading this is my question

i guess it must come up on google if you type in some key words...

Sent at 4:57 PM on Tuesday

me: he's closeted

those that rant and rave the most are frothing not from fervor, but from the disease.

Goodness, aren't we queeny on queerty?

All You Had To Do Was Yell...

Good Morning!

I know no one is reading this quite yet, but I thought I'd share how I spent my morning. I woke up an hour early (at 7:00 am) so that I could finish cleaning the kitchen and make it to school by 10 (which means catching the bus by 9:20...yay for public trans.) I showered, did the daily ritual of pills (not drugs...that's not in the morning) and such and then set to finishing the kitchen. I bagged and closed 5 trash bags and began moving the garbage can so I could sweep and mop. To my horror, I found a veritable smorgasbord of delectable food bits. So...I decided to hand scrub and sterilize the floor. Yes, hand scrub...the entire kitchen. And while I was down there I cleaned the baseboard and the cabinets. Proud that my humble scullery was now sparkling white from head to toe, I rushed into my bedroom to put on a shirt and looked at my phone to see if anyone loved me enough to "Good Morning, sunshine!" via text. It just so happened that time had skipped forward to 9:58 am. Ah, the joys of scrubbing bliss that make time skip forward several hours. I grabbed my bags, reassured myself that I'd finish my homework in the lab and ran out the m-f-ing door towards my corner...I mean bus stop. The bright side to all of this is that the kitchen will remain clean for the rest of the week...until my roommate returns Friday. Enjoy what's left of the morning, non-existent readers!

This is so forced.

Alan is forcing me to bring greatness and tragedy into the world in equal parts. We are both very excited to start this blog. There's really no telling what you're going to get. I have an interest in bad web comics so you'll get some of that. It makes me sad to say that we are making our start poaching funny pictures and making infinitely better quips, but it's a start.
Alan's a real hott mess in real life, and he should be bringing you all the stories about the loose ladies he hangs with. I'm the other kind of hott mess, a very liberal brain trapped in a bible-thumping, ultra conservative house with no hope of escape. But in a few months I will be (hopefully) trekking around the world and having all sorts of hijinks abroad.
Looking forward to it!

Oh, and the first bit of good and serious news. My mom just had her gallbladder taken out and everything went very well.

In the Beginning...

Good god, it happened. Alan and Phillip created a blog together. Let Zydeco music be played from lab to lab, and from former soviet republic to former soviet republic.